Til Death Do Us Part?

As little girls we dream of our perfect wedding, play dress up in our mothers closet; we get older and dream of meeting “the one”, our knight in shining armor and living happily ever after…we seemed to have forgotten about the reality of love. Do only fools rush in? Those who are oblivious to their consequences, and those who are ignorant of their infatuation? If so, how does their story end? Inevitably?… perhaps for some.

Two years in to a rushed relationship and marriage, I found myself on the brinks of divorce. I had my heart shattered into pieces and left on the floor to drown with my tears; I had fallen into the strongest of loves and slowly watched it bury me alive. I gave up my family, education and friends to devote my life to a man who was to be my ticket to paradise on earth, instead I found myself pregnant and alone living in an angry home praying for a way to escape. I married a stranger and didn’t even know it; his fault or mine? Ignorance is not bliss, no matter what anyone tells you. As the months went on, things only seemed to get worse; the lies, deceit, disrespect, and indifference consumed our relationship, we had pushed ourselves so far from each other that a simple kiss was getting hard to fake. To the outside world we were perfect, a façade we so ingeniously designed; the problem with that was I lead myself to believe the act and try to please the man that cared so little, ending of course in only more heartache. How did we go from picture perfect to another statistic?

December 2, 2009 our daughter was born, we found peace with life and with each other; things looked as if they were headed a new direction and the last few years of sadness were behind us… wrong. His absence for the first couple months of our daughter’s life kept our relationship from problems but also made our lack of everything else much more evident. Our love was lost, our relationship was just work and our hearts were seeking other directions. Upon his return, it wasn’t long until the cycle went on repeat and we began reliving our last few years of our relationship. We were done, it was done, and we were over.

After a nasty break up and a long distance move, things were put into perspective. Life is too short and love is too rare; fight for what you love and leave what hurts you. The final outcome of our relationship has torn us in two, having us wanting completely different things. One wants to fight, one wants to let go. One won’t quit holding on, the other already walked away. Who knows at this point where our little family will end up; will we stick together for better or worse? Til death do us part? ….

It’s in God’s hands now.

Where a love story ends..

Dear Faith..

March 17, 2009 mommy found out that she and daddy had successfully created you, the thought of you in my stomach made the world stand still..another chance at motherhood was given to me by God and nothing was more important than that reality. I spent hours just praying to God that he would let you stay longer then your brother, that i would be able to see your face, hear your cry and touch your skin..he reassured me you were meant for me, you were my miracle. I spent my first months of pregnancy emotionally detached from you as i anticipated the worst. I rubbed you and thought about you every moment i was awake..but i convinced myself the best decision was to expect a temporary relationship. 5 months passed and you revealed to me you were a little girl, daddy always wanted a little girl and he was ecstatic.. i was almost expressionless.. could i continue my facade of indifference? Almost 6 months gestation and you were incredibly healthy, i rented a Doppler to hear your heart beat every night before i fell asleep, and every morning as i woke up. I loved you, i loved you so damn much it hurt.. i couldn't lose you, i couldn't even tolerate the thought any longer. You were my daughter and the best damn thing to happen to me; truth be told Faith, i knew from the instant i conceived you that i wouldn't be able to lived without you. I finally let myself feel the love i always had for you and it was overwhelming. I spoke to you everyday, rubbed my stomach to let you know i was there for you, i fell asleep to classical music every night so you could be soothed. Faith, while you were just inside my stomach you comforted me through the hardest of times. I felt sadness, loneliness and heartache while you were inside me, but your movement and steady heartbeat gave me hope again; i knew that you were all i needed in this life and that no matter what happened, no matter who comes in and out of my life..I'll have you.

Your birth changed me as a person and as a woman, i see the world for the beauty it is, i see people for the selfless/vulnerable/fragile beings they are.. you taught me more about life in one hour then i understood after 20 years. Today your 6 months old and you have grown to surpass all my expectations. Your so young yet so smart, peaceful and full of love. Thank you Lord for giving me the best gift in the world, a child. Thank you Faith for loving me as much as i love you, for trusting me with your life, and thank you for helping mommy get passed the long weeks and soon months without daddy.

I love you more everyday darling, your smile makes everything worth it..it's you and I against the world.

I love you Faith Elizabeth Rivera,

Mommy.

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Love is Blind

I reached into the plastic bag and pulled out the box; I looked at him and he looked at me and then we both looked at the box. I gave a subtle gesture that told him I was ready, I headed down the hall and he followed. I turned the corner and stood in the doorway; we met eyes and kissed briefly, the anxiety was too strong. I walked in, grabbed them from the box, sat down and did my business. I waited just a few minutes and then I picked it up; I looked down into my hand and I saw two faint pink lines, my heart stopped… I was with Child. I sat there on the seat cover and placed my hand to my stomach, I looked down and pictured the miniscule human that was growing inside me, I held tighter. I looked over to the door and remembered who was waiting for me and for the news. I slowly stood up and made my way to and out the door; he was waiting there anxiously with his head down to his knees and with his hands squeezed onto his rosemary. He kept his position but lifted his head slightly; I leaned on the side of the door, looked at him and let out a sigh; He seemed confused and he stood up on his feet, I approached him and said, “I’m not sure…” He kept his worried face and seemed displeased. I continued and said “I’m not sure because the lines are so light, but...I do see two lines, not one” His expression went to a careful excitement, he asked to see it. He looked at them and was immediately convinced it was an accurate test, he started putting together earlier symptoms and explained how they were further proof that I was indeed, pregnant. After all the brief excitement of trying to figure out the yeses and no’s we stopped and looked at each other, shared a moment of several expressions of happiness, relief, calamity, and love. We rushed our bodies into each other and clamped our arms so tight; we didn’t move or speak for few seconds, we then exchanged sympathy kisses and words of encouragement. We separated our bodies but kept our hands linked, we made our way to the living room while speaking about how surreal it all was and how blessed we were to have been given a second chance at parenthood after loosing our first son sooner then he was able to enter the world. I walked over to the couch and laid down… I looked out into space, I imagined what the baby was doing right then. I knew the baby was nothing more then large group of cells, but that intrigued me more. I was lying there and there were cells inside of me that consisted of both mine and his DNA and it was busy creating a child, our child! I loved my baby from the minute I knew it existed, I didn’t care what it looked like, how far developed it was, whether it was a girl or boy… it was mine, the baby was mine and was inside me; I was its home and shelter. From my body it would feed and sleep and move, and I knew my job was to nurture it even from a distance. My miracle was just placed in my stomach and although I knew nothing about its unique characteristics, I knew I loved it; it was my son or daughter and I felt a sense of completeness. I continued rubbing my stomach and I thanked god for this gift, to be blessed with a chance at motherhood, to be everything to such a tiny human. At that moment I vowed to never take a moment for granted that I was given with my child, I would give it all the love I could give and keep it safe from the dangers of the world… I would hold it to my heart and dry its every tear. I would show it to be strong and to be brave… teach it that life will be harsh but we must fight it with love and faith in the father. I loved my daughter before I could even feel her; she is my life, my world, and the greatest thing I have come to achieve in my life thus far.

Written September 5, 2008 - "Inside my heart"

To My Husband,

I'm not sure I can truly express the way I feel in words. I'm staring my future in the face and I've never been more ready for it. In 38 days everything we have dreamed of will come true. As I sit here and think of how close it all is my heart begins to race faster then my breath knows how to keep up. I find myself sitting in a daze staring at the wall listening to our favorite songs. I lose track of time and all sense of reality. I'm ready baby, I want it all, everything and I still can't believe its so near. I'm nervous.. how will it feel to have you in arms reach again..to feel your lips on mine and hold your body against me, To have you be the last thing I see before I sleep and the first thing in the morning. The emotion is overwhelming and brings me to tears.
It's been 9 months, 9 long hard months. Although we have been separated we still found a way to keep this bond between each other strong and thriving. We've fallen more in love then we ever thought possible. We got through the toughest of times and experienced things we wished we never would have, and yet still we stand here and share a love that most people can only wish for.

Jonathan, you mean everything to me and I respect you so much. You're my mentor, my rock***, my Husband and my best friend. I have been through a lot since you left and you were there every step of the way to pick me back up. You cleaned up my breakdowns and only made me stronger. You saved me Jonathan and in many more ways then one. You have been through just as much as I have and I know I haven't always made it easier, I want to apologize for that and SO much more. You're an incredible person and you deserve the best and then some. I want nothing more then to give that to you. I'm so grateful that I'm the woman you have decided to spend the rest of your life with. I'm honored to be your wife and I completely devote myself to you. Never again will you hurt on account of me and I promise you 50 years + of the most romantic years of your life. I'll stop at nothing to make you smile. You're my world and I know I could never live without you.

Thank you for everything baby. Thank you for coming into my life, for making me the happiest I have ever been, for changing me for the good, for flipping my world right side up and for promising to be there till death do us part.
2 months shy of a year we will be standing face to face, my other half will finally be back home and things will make sense again. We made it hun, it was one hell of a bumpy scary ride but we made it. I would do it all over again in a heart beat.. would you?... I love you Jonathan Ivan Rivera.

38 Days and counting…

My Love Story ( from the begining)

February 4, 2007 - Met for the first time

I headed over to my friends house around late morning to be there nice and early before her superbowl party started. I wasn't too phsyched about going but it was nice to finally get out of the house. I met up with her, her two sisters and her dad. We made small talk as we waited for everyone else to arrive. My friend lucas showed up and he was basically my pal for the night. I ran in and out with my friend sara and then finally just took a seat with lucas. My friends sister's boyfriend showed up and she was all of a sudden all excited and happy, she ran to him outside and jumped on top of him; i watched the two hug and kiss and make their way into the house. Her sister introduced her boyfriend to us all and i just waved and said hi. I looked at the two of them and thought to myself how much i wanted a relationship that was so easy, fun and full of love. I looked at him and then her and i could see they were crazy for eachother.. i was a bit jealous because of my concurrent luck with men. The night went on and the colts went on to win the superbowl.. people started to roll out so i just sat in my friends room with her lookin at mags and junk. After a little while my friends sister and her boyfriend walked into the room and told us and everyone else in the room that they were leaving, we said bye and i watched them walk out towards the door. Little did i know that i was staring at the man who would eventually become my husband and the father of my child.

June 30, 2007- Lucky search

So i graduated highschool and completed gradnight! I was home a lot more and up a lot later, needless to say i had a lot of time on my hands..so i invested it in long nights up on myspace lol. On this particular night i was up looking around to add more friends to my myspace, i went throught my current friends' pages and found people through them. I looked around and landed upon saras page (my friend from the superbowl party) i looked through her page looking for her sister amandas page when i stumbled across sara's sisters boyfriend, i knew i never spoke with him but i thought ehh whatever.. i'll probably request him.. he'll add me and then that will be the end of our interaction. So i added him and then continued with my search.

July 1, 2007 - The begining

I woke up in the after noon and hopped back on myspace to see if anyone accepted my requests.. i had a few new adds, few comments and a message. I opened my message first and saw that it was from that boy; i was really surprised he decided to write me and not ignore my attempt to add him, i figured he would be like hey! whats up?.. i opened the message and he said, "...who is this?" ha! i kinda wanted to ignore it and just move on, i honestly didn't really care if he wanted to be friends on myspace or not i was just up late bored, but i responded anyways. We established who we were and to my surprise he did remember me.. we got to talking and really hit it off as friends. We talked about school and relationships and just random crap..didn't take much interest in eachother since we didn't really know eachother. We talked for a few days and finally decided to meet...

July 4, 2007- Kinda crushin'

So my friend amy and i met up to chill and i invited him to come, we met up at the mall in front of hollister. He was kinda shy and pretty quiet for the most part but not boring, he laughed at my stupid jokes and seemed to be having a good time. After a little while amy and i were gonna leave to watch a movie.. i didnt expect him to wanna go but i just threw it out there just in case.. but he said yes we headed off to see ratatouii! Amy and i made jokes here and there in the movie and he just kinda watched us be dumb, he chuckled every now and then but still was a bit quiet. The movie ended and we stood outside thinkin what to do next. I was sure he was bored of us at this point and would want to head home.. but nope! he suggested taking us to burbank mall and hanging out there, so we all got in his car and took off. At this point i was starting to look at him a little different.. i liked how he was mysterious and i couldn't figure what he was thinking.. he was cute and pleasent and pretty fun to be around. When we got to the mall we went to the arcade and i played a few games with him, he kicked my butt! ha we challenged eachother and he made fun of me a bit.. it was cute. We all kinda seperated and walked around until i found a game i got hooked on.. while i was on that amy was askin him what he thought of me and all this junior high crap lol i had no idea she was doing that, i was pretty embarrased when i found out. She came over to me and dished me the dirt.. he i guess thought i was cute and was having a good time... little did i know she told him i thought the same thing (i never even told her anything!) Well up until that point i wasn't thinking about it too much but once i heard he was interested my heart kinda jumped and i got kinda happy.. i may have not have told amy i thought he was a cutie but i was thinking it. We left the arcade and let the day pass, he dropped me off and that was the end of that.

July 6, 2007 - First date

After the 4th we had been talking a lot and we both agreed we were interested, so we decide to try to go on a date just the two of us this time. So the day came and I was so nervous i remember! i wasn't sure why but i was a wreck leading up til the time he picked me up, he was on my mind all night. So the time came and he knocked on my door, i opened it and saw him holding flowers, it was the cutest thing ever; he hugged me, i put the flowers inside and we headed out. He took me to play lazertag and it was the funniest thing, it was just us two in the big maze.. i got my butt beat ha i sucked really bad, i was relli embarassed but i had fun so i didn't really care. We went to pasadena and we just walked around for a bit, i had my first taste of jamba that day actually. We made a few pit stops here and there and then we just sat and talked. During the conversation i just remember thinking, "man..if i had a guy like this, i would never let him go " and really, thats exactly what happened.

I could go on and on with the stories of all our firsts.. and our special times together but i don't want to write a book here lol.. I wanted to share how it all began.. if i were to share when love came in and romance.. im sure your hearts would melt =] Perhaps for another time. I'll share a few special dates but no story. You'll come to notice our love came fast and moved fast..very fast lol

August 1, 2007

He was mine officially.


September 2007

He said "i love you".


October 2007

I said " i love you"


November 23, 2007

He proposed, i said yes =]


December 2007

He left for the navy


May 2, 2008

We got married.


October 2008

He came back and we conceived our first child


Janury 2009

=[...


March 2009

Conceived 2nd child


December 2009
Faith was born <3