March 17, 2009 mommy found out that she and daddy had successfully created you, the thought of you in my stomach made the world stand still..another chance at motherhood was given to me by God and nothing was more important than that reality. I spent hours just praying to God that he would let you stay longer then your brother, that i would be able to see your face, hear your cry and touch your skin..he reassured me you were meant for me, you were my miracle. I spent my first months of pregnancy emotionally detached from you as i anticipated the worst. I rubbed you and thought about you every moment i was awake..but i convinced myself the best decision was to expect a temporary relationship. 5 months passed and you revealed to me you were a little girl, daddy always wanted a little girl and he was ecstatic.. i was almost expressionless.. could i continue my facade of indifference? Almost 6 months gestation and you were incredibly healthy, i rented a Doppler to hear your heart beat every night before i fell asleep, and every morning as i woke up. I loved you, i loved you so damn much it hurt.. i couldn't lose you, i couldn't even tolerate the thought any longer. You were my daughter and the best damn thing to happen to me; truth be told Faith, i knew from the instant i conceived you that i wouldn't be able to lived without you. I finally let myself feel the love i always had for you and it was overwhelming. I spoke to you everyday, rubbed my stomach to let you know i was there for you, i fell asleep to classical music every night so you could be soothed. Faith, while you were just inside my stomach you comforted me through the hardest of times. I felt sadness, loneliness and heartache while you were inside me, but your movement and steady heartbeat gave me hope again; i knew that you were all i needed in this life and that no matter what happened, no matter who comes in and out of my life..I'll have you.
Your birth changed me as a person and as a woman, i see the world for the beauty it is, i see people for the selfless/vulnerable/fragile beings they are.. you taught me more about life in one hour then i understood after 20 years. Today your 6 months old and you have grown to surpass all my expectations. Your so young yet so smart, peaceful and full of love. Thank you Lord for giving me the best gift in the world, a child. Thank you Faith for loving me as much as i love you, for trusting me with your life, and thank you for helping mommy get passed the long weeks and soon months without daddy.
I love you more everyday darling, your smile makes everything worth it..it's you and I against the world.
I love you Faith Elizabeth Rivera,
Mommy.
